My kid is coming home | 08.10.25

My kid is coming home! He has been with his dad since March. Four miserable months, wondering if I would ever get him back. A nightmare I can’t even describe. I’ve never been so happy in my adult life as when I found out my Gavin is coming home . My whole body, my heart, my womb everything unlocked and did like a spiritual happy dance. angels singing, God smiled. ALL that. The utter relief flooding me like fresh warm blood in places that were going cold with fear and anxiety.

And so now, beyond the victory and relief I am flooded with, knowing that he’s coming home, I have to look at being a single mom of a first grader while undergoing chemo. The reality of being a quite-sick-and-single mom. No money. No idea where to begin. IT’S A LOT. The biggest challenge for me is knowing who to care for first. Since he was born, I put him first. Until this chapter. My body and spirit could always wait on the side until I knew his was ok. But now, things have changed. We will both have to get used to this new priority - my body and especially my rest will have to come before most other things, or I will not be able to sustain us.

I will have to go to bed earlier at night so I’m rested when we wake up earlier in the morning in the morning. I will have to hydrate hydrate hydrate myself and Gavin will need a first breakfast school clothes and the pack his backpack for school. On top of all the daily dosing and minding of my body, there will be school and sports and lunches and snacks. We could do all that the night before? The backpack, the clothes… that’s a good idea. I will have to retune my nervous system to caring for him as much as I care for myself, rework my energy to prioritize mothering. Clearly my health is crucial, but so is his. What will it be like for him to return to my lap when I am such a shell of my previous strong self? How will I explain all these awful symptoms and appointments to him. Who will help us when we need it? I’m committed to building a stronger network of support for both of us. Sobriety is paramount. Cancer treatments are non negotiable, and the symptoms relentless and inescapable. How can I keep him thriving in his well deserved childhood wonder and joy while I walk through Hell, without a map?

For now, we will focus on the basics.

To bed earlier

Drink more water

Up by 630

Out by 730

See who can maybe help with the drive to school? His school is 30 minutes from home. That alone sounds impossible right now, five days a week but I KNOW we will figure it out. All I want is him here with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, from the minute he was born. Letting go of his father was hard and sad, but I will NEVER let go of Gavin ever again. He’s coming HOME.

For now, I will set all these worries aside and drop in to the golden warm puddle of releif, knowing my baby is coming HOME to me.

This little warrior child of mine turned SIX YEARS OLD the other day.

Never thought I would get this kid a GUN. First Nerf Rite of Passage on the morning of his 6th bday.

Swimming in the river just below Snoqualmie Falls, WA, July 28, 2025 with my birthday boy

Being with my son is the most profound teacher of my life. Watching him grow and evolve is incredible. I can see how his spirit was just as it is now from the very first minute I met him, felt him, knew him. He is a powerful, creative, inquisitive, loving person - he loves adventure, nature, and Pokemon. He is so brave, so wise, and so whole-hearted. He loves deeply and purely, knows what he does and doesn't like. He loves to lead and explore. Today we walked all the way down to Snoqualmie Falls in the hot summer sun. My chemo treatments make me very dehydrated and weak in general, so I was so grateful to be able to keep up with him, to carry him when he was tired, to clamber across rocks and dive into the water just as we always do.

He is my favorite traveling companion and my whole heart. I am doing my best to raise him to be empathetic, to be a helper, a leader, and a kind teammate.

I am dreaming of many more years together, and feeling like each moment is truly precious. I’m so grateful that Gavin is my guy.

Thank you to the village that helps me raise him - you all know who you are. We love and appreciate you SO SO much.

Onward!!! To many many many more years of lessons, laughter, and adventures. Please don't let this cancer take me from him.

The villain in my story | 07.15.25

The monster you saw at the end of the relationship that’s who he was. Not the sweet words he said in the beginning. Not the charm, the affection, or the promises that kept you hooked. The version of him you met when things stopped going his way, when you stopped tolerating the disrespect when you finally started choosing yourself, that version was the truth.

Because love doesn’t vanish overnight, real love doesn’t turn cruel, cold, or careless when questioned or challenged. But manipulation does. Ego does. Control does. A man who only treats you well when you’re quiet, obedient, and putting up with his behavior isn’t loving you. He’s using your silence as comfort and your loyalty as a cushion.

And when that loyalty runs out, when the lies stop working and the mask slips the rage, the gaslighting, the emotional withdrawal, and the cruelty are not a “bad moment.” That’s who he’s always been underneath the surface, You were just too in love, too hopeful, too forgiving to see it. And that’s not your shame to carry. It’s your strength because now you do see it.

The way he spoke to you when he was angry, the way he blamed you for everything, how easily he could walk away, how quickly he replaced love with hate, those weren’t glitches in his character. Those were the parts of him he was always carrying, maybe the red flags you chose to ignore out of that ever-present optimism. And the truth is, you didn’t lose a good man, you let go of a version of him that never actually existed.

So don’t question your worth because of the way he treated you at the end. If anything, let that version be your closure. Because the man who truly loved you would never have become the villain in your story. He would’ve been the one who fought to protect you, not destroy you when the story stopped going his way.