Day after diagnosis | 04.10.25

When I came to, they were talking about cancer.

The worst word to hear upon waking.

Their voices were soothing and confusing at the same time. Yes, I’m still here, coming back from the delightful fog of anesthesia….yes I’m still here, listening to the doctor tell my sister “Yes, it looks to me malignant. That’s CANCER.”

And also, “no, she can’t go anywhere. For now she needs to get a CT scan as soon as possible. Hopefully tomorrow...”

“She’s supposed to go on a retreat tomorrow…well, it’s rehab. 28 days. For alcohol. She was supposed to leave tomorrow morning." My sister sounds so brave and so scared all at once…this can’t be real. None of this can be about me. This can't be real. This is a nightmare. I’m swimming in surreal feelings of denial and fear all mixed in with the haze of the drugs they gave me….

This was supposed to be a routine check…I was headed to a treatment center on an island in Puget Sound tomorrow, to heal, to focus on healing. My bags were packed. My heart was set. I was headed in a powerful new direction. I finally admitted I need more support. I have things to do. I am a mom. I can’t have cancer right now. That makes no sense. THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

But on the car ride home, I check my PeaceHealth chart online. Post-appointment notes. Malignant tumor. Colorectal cancer. Substance abuse disorder. Wtf wtf wtf.

How did I get here?