First day of chemo radiation let’s go | 05.15.25

Today is my first day of radiation treatment for the tumor that has been growing slowly in my body for apparently sometime now. I kind of know what to expect, but the doctors have said so many things…I know the goal is that this phase of treatment may and hopefully will shrink or even destroy my tumor. 30-40% of people have a complete response to treatment and don’t end up needing surgery at all. That’s what we are hoping for with the treatment path I have chosen.  The choices all sucked, to be honest. There is like painful side effect after miserable bowel dysfunction rattling around my head - but I opted to try and avoid surgery for now.

So here I am, alone in the morning sun, preparing myself for my first zap.

It’s still super strange to wake up in my bed quietly whenever I naturally wake up, instead of being awoken by my five-year-olds sweaty little hands at the crack of dawn. I miss him terribly. There is a little pain of heartbreak every morning when I find myself awake without him here, waking up alone. and then follows a wave of something peaceful, a deep sense of relief, sort of a sweetness that I have this space to care for my body and this quiet time to think my thoughts and feel my feelings. I’m trying to use this strange tunnel of cancer treatment that I’m walking into as an opportunity to heal. Not just my cancer, but also my broken heart.  All the grief and rage that I’ve stored up all these 44 years feel like perhaps I can marry them to this tumor and get them all out of my system at once. So today there is a lightness of being - a sense of real hope - as I start this first treatment. Perhaps I’ll come out of this stronger, wiser, lighter than ever before. Perhaps all this time with myself is just what I needed.

I’m calling in my peace, my strength, and my angels today. All the people living or past some even future (like my older wiser self, like grown-up Gavin) standing around me with love wrapping their strong arms around me, lifting me up with a sense of courage, kindness, care. I can picture each person‘s special demeanor…

My sons wild loving spirit

Angus‘s humor

Ethan’s kindness

Yelena’s glorious golden heart

Marsha’s endless care

My Mom’s endless love

My sisters all around me, arms outstretched with care

Maile’s wise, fierce, strong wisdom

my Dad‘s unconditional love

Heather's warm inspiration

The strength of my stepdad, and my Brothers

Bek and Amy, Katie, Mayra, Kate, Kate Louise, Alice, Meri, Lauren, Ciara, Kristy, Meghann, Sara, Lena, Lisa, Sarah, Marsha, Joan, Lucy, the women the women the women.

Like big tall trees, they all wrap around me

A circle of support

the endless love of all my sisters, endless and buoyant as the ocean I love so much.  

All my ancestors, cheering me on.

I can see so much love around me when I close my eyes, and I wrap myself in it like a blanket.

I’m filling my heart with light.

There’s no room for fear today and no time anymore for doubt or questions. We just march forward now and take the medicine. Time to heal!